In this article:

Tactics of abuse

What can be done

Domestic Abuse and Domestic Violence

Definition of Domestic Abuse:
A pattern of behavior in an intimate or dating relationship that includes a range of abusive tactics which establish and maintain coercion and control of one partner over the other.

Why use the word “pattern”?
In order to maintain an abusive relationship there must be an ongoing pattern of abusive behaviors. They do not all have to be physical, but can include a range of physical, emotional, financial, and sexual tactics.

Why use the word “tactics”?
The attacks of abusive partners, whether conscious or unconscious, are designed to intimidate and frighten, by affecting their victim where they will hurt the most. In this way, they resemble strategies, or tactics used in combat or in prison settings.

Violence affects woman worldwide, and in most cases, is committed by someone the victim knows. Violence is meant to express power and is rooted in the unequal relationship between men and women.

Relationship Violence Statistics:

  • Nearly one-third of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.
  • In 2001 intimate partner violence made up 20% of violent crimes against women (more than 1/2 million American women that year were victims of non-fatal domestic violence).
  • Women of all races are about equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.
  • Causes the death of 3 women in the U.S. everyday.
  • Slightly more than half of the female victims of domestic violence live in households with children under the age of 12.
  • 76% of women who reported they had been raped and or physically assaulted since age 18 said that a current or former husband, partner or date committed the assault.

Possible Indicator of Domestic Abuse:
It is often difficult to tell when a friend, relative, or neighbor is being battered. Both victims and batterers try to keep the violence a secret from the outside world. Both may fear the consequences if others were to find out about the abuse.

The indicators listed below are just some of the possible signs of violence in a relationship.

Signs/Symptoms:

  • Physical Injury – visible bruises or complaints of pain from unlikely injuries; seems accident prone
  • Heavy Makeup – coverage of bruises or cuts
  • Inappropriate Clothing – wearing long sleeves/high necks in warm weather to hide injuries
  • Difficulty Speaking or Chewing Food – facial injuries
  • Fear – anxiety about the suspected abuser
  • Isolation – absence from work or social activities
  • Controlling behavior on the part of the suspected abuser over finances/money; restricted use of phone or car or time away

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Tactics of Abuse
Because abusers tailor the abuse to their particular partner, the tactics used in each relationship are different. The varying forms of abuse include:

 

Physical
  • Chasing
  • Using a weapon
  • Burning
  • Drowning
  • Hitting
  • Driving dangerously
  • Scratching
  • Stalking
  • Biting
  • Throwing objects
  • Blocking
  • Chasing
  • Slapping
  • Gestures
  • Stabbing
  • Shooting
  • Threatening to kill
  • Threatening to hurt
  • Harming pets
  • Driving at the person
  • Kicking
  • Punching
  • Choking
  • Destroying property
  • Threatening children
  • Locking out
  • Locking in

Emotional
Whenever there is emotional weakness, the perpetrator often uses this to control the other person.
  • Insults
  • Ignoring needs
  • Blackmail
  • Mental games
  • Monitoring movement
  • Constant criticism
  • Put-downs
  • Sarcasm
  • Isolation
  • Manipulation
  • Staring down
  • Creating fear
  • Name calling
  • Rejection
  • False accusations
  • Lying
  • Attaching strings
  • Double binds (no win)
  • Restrictions
  • Rules
  • Hurting loved ones
  • Structured life
  • Guilt tripping
  • Voice tone and pitch
  • Voice volume
  • Unpredictability
  • Secretiveness
  • Emotional berating
  • Sleep deprivation
  • Food deprivation
  • Negative suprises
  • Constant power issues

Financial
During the fight, the abuser uses financial leverage to keep the other person immobile and vulnerable.
  • Ruining objects
  • Breaking objects
  • Forbidding work
  • Taking money
  • Holding back money
  • No financial support
  • Taking car away
  • Forcing several jobs
  • No child support
  • Refusing health care
  • Spending all the money
  • Taking possessions
  • Stealing money
  • Extravagant spending
  • Blocking bank account
  • Withdrawing all the money
  • Interfering with work
  • Stealing car
  • Not paying loans
  • Hiding money
  • Taking clothes away
  • Destroying clothes
  • Burning house
  • Wrecking car
  • Legal battles
  • Giving money away
  • Burning money
  • Locking out
  • Refusing others' help
  • Preventing ability to work

Sexual
Because of embarrassment and privacy issues, the victim often does not report this abuse and most abusers deny it.
  • Coercion
  • Intimidation
  • Rape
  • Sadism
  • Masochism
  • Humiliation
  • Taping and binding
  • Gagging
  • Beating
  • Insulting
  • Demanding
  • Burning or cutting
  • Using objects
  • Hurting
  • Forcing drugs
  • Accusing of affairs
  • Accusing of immorality
  • Having affairs
  • Sexually abusing children
  • Forcing voyeurism
  • Not permitting protection
  • Excessive obsession
  • Threats of STD/HIV
  • Withholding effects
  • Anger or rage sex
  • Choking
  • Forbidding medical attention
  • Criticizing performance
  • Mocking body

Sometimes, the couple makes up and they repeat the same process over and over again. Then lengths of each stage may vary by situation, however, usually the longer the relationship, the shorter the honeymoon and tension building phases last and the abuse phase becomes predominant most of the time.

Honeymoon phase:

  • Superficial reversal of power: Victim seems to be in control of the relationship.
  • Abuser is charming: Uses “courting behavior” – almost too good to be true.
  • Abuser swears to change violent behavior: Pleads with the victim not to leave.
  • Increased Intimacy/sex: Sense of renewed love.

Tension Building Phase:

  • Victim Walks on Eggshells: Tries to appease abuser by being compliant or nurturing or avoids abuser altogether.
  • Abuser’s mood begins to change: Abuser is edgy, agitated and unpredictable.
  • Victim feels sense of heightened anxiety: Victim becomes hyper-alert

Acute or Abusive Phase:

  • Violent Stage: Intense physical, emotional, financial or sexual abuse.
  • Explosion/Eruption of tension: Victim may un- intentionally provoke this stage by their actions or may intentionally do so as a strategy to release the tension

Reasons Why Victims Remain in the Relationship
Violence in relationships is a complex issue. Many people who are not victims wonder why the victims of violence do not leave the relationship. There is no easy answer to this questions, however, some possible reasons are listed below.

  • Love: victim does not want the relationship to end; they just want the violence to stop.
  • Fear: victim is in most danger when attempting to leave the batterer.
  • Economic dependence: victim has no financial control and relies on batterer’s income.
  • Religious/Cultural beliefs: victim may believe that they must honor their commitment to the relationship no matter what the situation.
  • Children: victim feels the children need the other partner and they need the batterer’s income to support the children.
  • Blackmail: batterer threatens to reveal the victim’s secrets if they leave or threatens to take the children from the victim.
  • Embarrassment: victim feels they will lose the respect of others.
  • Isolation: victim has been kept from family, friends, or other support.
  • Belief that it will not happen again: victim believes it will end.
  • Acceptance: victim sees violence as a natural conflict resolution.
  • Lack of available resources: unknown or unexplored options.
  • Learned helplessness: powerlessness becomes “a way of life”.

When Victims Leave
It is important to remember that most victims do eventually leave the relationship. However, it usually takes an average of 5-7 attempts to make the one final, successful break.

Women are at the greatest risk of being killed by their abusers within the first six months of leaving an abusive relationship. 75% of women killed by partners are killed within the first 6 months of leaving. This statistic reminds us that it is imperative for the woman to leave in the safest possible manner, even if it takes a longer amount of time to succeed in this goal.

In the workplace, domestic violence accounts for the majority of homicides and attempted murder. Managers are advised to report all suspected or self identified domestic abuse situations to human resources and/or security.

What Can Be Done
In the content within the following links is a wealth of information on what to do and where to go to deal with domestic abuse and violence.

Responding to Domestic Violence: Where Federal Employees Can Find Help. This site, which was prepared by the Federal government’s Department of Human Resources, is a comprehensive an information site as there is on this subject.

Other useful sites are: